All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Found the puke drawer
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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