Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
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no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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