You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
