Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I intend to get homeless drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
