Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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