Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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