sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
