Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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