every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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