stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
