I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
