After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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