I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
