Can Purell be used as lube?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
