I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
