Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
