I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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