you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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