dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
