Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
