okay pat passed out under dana's car
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
