i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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