I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
