he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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