Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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