do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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