i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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