so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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