I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this just has baby written all over it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
