I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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