god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
