Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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