Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
