omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
