I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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