I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
