I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
