i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
