I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
