Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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