I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
