Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
