Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize