i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
