new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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