Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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