No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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