so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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