I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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