I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
