Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
