I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
