Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
