you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
