spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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