I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it