I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.