The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.