you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.